1. Stop Procrastinating, Tomorrow
This year, I pledge to put off my tasks until the last possible moment, because why do today what you can definitely do tomorrow?
2. Get in Shape, Round is a Shape
It's time to embrace my natural curves and accept that my idea of fitness is lifting the remote control and doing finger exercises while scrolling through memes.
3. Save Money, for Online Shopping Sprees
I vow to put aside some cash every month, just so I can guiltlessly splurge on all those unnecessary gadgets, shoes, and cute cat-themed home decor that I absolutely cannot live without.
4. Learn a New Skill, Like Perfecting My Poker Face
This year, I'll focus on developing my talent for pretending to listen attentively and nodding empathetically while secretly planning my grocery list or contemplating what I'm going to have for dinner.
5. Quit Social Media, Start Stalking More People
I resolve to decrease my time spent mindlessly scrolling through social feeds, but instead, I'll dedicate those precious hours to becoming the ultimate detective, stalking everyone's profiles like a pro.